Almost 9

Earned this, Wayanad🌿

Yesterday, my 4th semester results came in.

Last semester, I aimed for an 8.5, and inspite of working so hard... I didn't reach it. Even more painstaking is the fact that I missed out by just 0.2. I was happy, but not satisfied. But I told myself... we did our best, and we will grow from here.

Call me greedy, but I like this greed of mine. It keeps me moving, keeps me worried, keeps me disciplined in some way.

This semester I started very determined and focused, more motivated and ready to work harder to get that 8.5... but then came the distractions.

I mentioned a few of them in my previous blogs...
the toxic startup that drained me emotionally more than I admitted,
the sports organizing committee that fell apart as soon as it started but ate up months of my time and headspace,
my mother not being home so I automatically became the mom of the house according to everyone,
and the college fashion competition that was nothing but a drama show, we placed last after weeks of wasted time and energy.

Inspite of it all, I was doing my best to not let myself fall... but I still fell.

Every test result was lower than usual, leaving me heavily disappointed and questioning myself. Countless times I'd think... what am I doing wrong? Can't I handle even this much pressure? Is this my limit?

When the realization came, it was late... but not too late.

I blame myself for even engaging in those useless affairs. So I cut myself out completely. Deleted social media. Blocked every distracting site on all my devices. Gave up on TV. Used music to drown out everything around me.

I sat for 7 to 8 hours straight every day. My eyes were exhausted, my ears tired from music all day, and I was feeling out of shape from sitting so long. But somewhere in that exhaustion, I made myself a quiet promise... I'll be thankful to myself for everything I'm doing. And I held onto that. I'd picture how it would feel to fail, and I'd push myself a little harder.

All of this in the last few days before exams, because the entire semester had been chaos and I was just trying to survive through it, not ace through it. I'd get distracted, feel guilty, get back to work, keep motivating myself, and chug coffee like it was water.

I kept saying... "I can do this. I'm stronger than this. I've come so far and there's no going back."

Stayed up nights. Felt like a mess. Still kept pushing like everything depended on it.

And yesterday, when I saw the result on the screen... I was in disbelief. 8.91.

My hardwork, determination, and greed took me to an SGPA of nine. Almost.

I would have never in my life thought I could come this far. I fell into tears the moment I realized I wasn't dreaming. I cried alone... because I had worked alone. All by myself. And I am so proud.

But the greed in me was already whispering... imagine if it was a real 9.